Conspicuous only by one's absence

Update 4!
At approximately 11:55 am today, I walked out of 106 for the last time. No one asked me to leave. I left of my own volition. I gave this trial, just a few days shy of four long months of my life. I came to a realization that it was time to pull the plug. Unfortunately for him, Spector will continue to have to show up in Judge Larry Paul Fidler's courtroom every day, supported by his bodyguards and other plastic Barbie® sized props. The verdict people, isn't very far away. But let me back up a little bit to yesterday, and tell you about a few details that I left out.

I told you in my last entry that I specifically was asked to return to court. Although I choose not to name who that was, I can tell you that it was several individuals who asked me to come back. When I was let into the courtroom ahead of the general public, I went over and took my seat by Dominick. Meredith from the court's public liaison's office immediately came over to me and said, "You've been at the trial every day, and we acknowledge that." She then handed me an official court press badge and said, "Now, you can't blog about this." I told her I understood, and wouldn't say anything. And, if you read my prior entry, I didn't mention anything about it. I wrote my entry in such a way, that I made it appear that I was still being treated as part of the public. I was ecstatic. I no longer had to worry about whether or not I would get a seat into court during the final days, or whether or not I would get to observe closing arguments. I had Mr. Willy Wonka's golden ticket. (LOL! I know. It's actually a laminated piece of yellow paper, but I wasn't quibbling at that point.) Once K saw what had happened, she corralled Meredith and tried to get onto the media list. I recommend reading my entry Vindicated! to get the full flavor of what K did the rest of the day.

This morning, I could not get onto my blog for over an hour. I was panicking, because I could get to other blogger web pages but not mine. I immediately thought that someone had shut my blog down. This was not an unreasonable assumption, since K had tried her best to get me ejected from the courtroom and Kim, of The Darwin Exception sent me this email on Sunday:

I know the defense reads mine because I've gotten emails from some lady named "Karen" (something - I forget her last name) purporting to be from Brunon's firm several times telling me that I have "misconstrued" something or "reported something inaccurately." I hadn't been writing on the trial a week when I got a "cease and desist" letter from them telling me that I needed to stop reporting "false and libelous information". It was very official looking and, of course, wasn't worth the bandwidth it was sent on, but it certainly could have intimidated a novice blogger. I sent them back a note referencing my ABA number, and I haven't heard from them since regarding "cease and desist".

Fortunately, my blog came back on line after about an hour, but it did cause me to be late for court. I arrived in 106 a little after 10:00 am. As I entered the courtroom, Alan Parachini, who is the head of the court's public relation's office, stood up and touched my arm. He directed me to sit beside him in the back row. I looked around the room and saw that K was not there, nor was W. At the first break, I got up to go over and sit beside Dominick, but Alan stopped me. He told me I would be sitting in the back row from now on. No explanation was given, and I didn't ask why. And, for the rest of the morning, that's where I sat. Right beside Alan Parachini.

After he told me that at the break, I went over to tell Dominick about this latest turn of events. The look he gave me said it all. Harriet Ryan was kind enough to point out to me, that I still had attached to my new jeans, the manufacturer's size sticker on the side of my leg. Oh boy. What total embarrassment that was lol, and I reached down to remove the sticker. I stepped outside the courtroom to go to the 13th floor to get a snack, and ran into Steven, who had just recently arrived. I told him about being relegated to the back row for the remainder of the trial. He couldn't believe it, and kept trying to figure out why. What happened, he kept wondering, offering up a possible innocent explanation that didn't make sense to me, seeing as how I had just been handed a press pass the day before. Back inside the courtroom Linda Deutsch turned around and said, "You changed seats." I replied, "I was told where to sit." Sometime in between the morning break and the noon hour, W entered the courtroom. No one told W where to sit, and they moved in to sit beside Linda in the second row. The smile on W's face was evident as to how gleeful they were about seeing me in the back row.

But I want to get back to that question: Why. In my spiritual belief system, the ultimate goal is to let go of needing to know why something happens in one's life journey. Ever since I first heard Caroline Myss talk about the David Chetlahay Paladin story, I've come to accept the fact that everything that happens in our lives happens for us, instead of to us. That every single person we meet in life and crosses our path, is there to teach us a lesson. That there is good and bad in every one's life, but how one chooses to let those events define their life is of the most importance. So, having obtained the golden ticket, I came to the realization sitting in that back row, that the cost of it was not worth the price, and I could easily walk away from it at any time. I had given enough of my time to this trial, and I made the decision to leave. I could watch Spector get convicted of second degree murder from the comfort of my living room. I could be in my jammies, getting caught up on sewing.

Unlike many other trial watchers who showed up on a daily basis to experience the proceedings, I have always maintained that I've never sought any fame or publicity off the tragic death of Lana Clarkson; it just happened to find me. I never went up to individuals at this trial, and passed out my business card to let them know who I was. Nor did I force myself on anyone I could latch onto, or offer to drive them around town to "see the Castle," or use my trial notes to eventually write a book. I have consistently made it clear, that once this trial was over, I would be immersing myself back into sewing, and my regular, comfortable life. I decided to let that start, a little sooner rather than later.

Once I got home, I packaged up the press badge, and sent it FedEx to Alan Parachini's office. I included a typewritten note with the single line, "Thank you very much." As I drove away from the FedEx office, a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. It felt great.

Up until this point, I've been silent as to the identity of K and W. Although the business card I have for K says "Investor, Actress, Motivational Speaker, Singer" the only information I've ever found on the web about K, is a PDF format court of appeals ruling where a contestant was ordered to reimburse court costs. And W? Well readers, I can't be absolutely positive, but it sure seems like one of the ladies on this web site completely resembles W. I could easily be wrong, of course.

I still have quite a few trial notes I haven't published that I will attempt to put up over the next several days, and dini I'm sure will continue to blog here until the end of the trial.

Update: 7:15 pm
The web link should be working now.

Update: 11:10 pm
I took a peecture before I mailed The Golden Ticket back. Just for the whole momento effect.

Update: Thursday, August 23rd, 10:40 am
There will be a guest entry up late tonight or early tomorrow by CCA. I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support for me. Thank you one and all, very much. I will try to answer everyone's private messages at CTV as well as the mail and comments I've been getting on my blog, as soon as I am able.

Update: Thursday, August 23rd 4:17 pm
The David Chetlahay Paladin link is fixed.