(Prior images with this entry have been lost. Sprocket)
Pour Pine Sol in the toilet, let sit a bit, then flush. Smells just like you cleaned it.
Candles help also.
Walk around with a can of Pledge and spray it in the air.
Fabric sheet in the pillowcase, they will think you did the sheets.
Slide cat across table to dust with one hand while typing with the other.
Dash around every few minutes with a cardboard box and put the junk that's laying around in it. Hide the box in the closet when finished. The house will not be clean, but nobody will notice because they can walk from one room to another without tripping. After six months, take all items not missed and have a yard sale.
Leave the vacuum in the middle of the living room. It looks like you just finished cleaning in there.
Close the curtains and keep the lights off or very low. Folks won't see the cobwebs.
Buy only light-colored furniture. It doesn't show the dust.
Tell people you are "antiquing" your windows.
If it’s snowing and you need to shovel the walkway....put a lot of salt down that usually does the trick. The minute the snow hits it, it melts.
Buy a Roomba, great invention. Turn it on and it will vacuum and scrub your floors all the while you are trial and verdict watching.
How to Cancel Appointments and Avoiding Those Pesky Real-life Intrusions:
Tell your hairdresser your hair forgot to grow this month
A good general reason is that your garage-door opener doesn't work and you can't get out.
Call and "check" on your appointment by saying, "Hello, this is ... I'm calling to confirm your appointment with me for next Tuesday at 10." When they say the appointment is tomorrow, tell them they made a mistake.
Keep your doors locked and the lights off. Nobody knows you are home. Also, tell family and friends, you forgot to put your phone on the charger.
If you have to answer that persistent ringing phone, use an accent and pretend to be the hired help.
Put the following message on your answering machine, "I am in the midst of important jurisprudence. Leave your name and number and my law clerk will return your message.
Tell friends, I'd love to have lunch with you, but I'm legally bound to my computer.
Meals and Munchies at the Computer:
A cooler full of your favorite beverages next to your computer desk can also double as an ottoman.
Place a paper towel over your keyboard while eating juicy fruits.
Fun size candy bars are imperative, as are cookies, chips and dips, and Little Debbie’s!
Oscar Meyers has those new Deli Fresh Sandwiches, which come with everything for a really good sandwich.
Feeding the Family:
Easy dinners; basically a listing of all local carry-out restaurants.
If you feel you must actually feed the family a decent meal that is why crock pots were invented, for trial and verdict watchers.
Get up, throw roast, potatoes, and veggies in crock pot and dinner is done.
On the weekend, when the trial is on hiatus, make crock pot meals to feed an army. Ya, you'll being eating the same stuff, night-after-night, but what the hell, it's a hot meal!
If you have a friend close by that is into trials and verdicts also. One of you can make a crock pot of pasta, the other a crock pot of chili, and then the next day swap leftovers, and they will think you made a new meal.
Or on cold, chilly nights take 6 cans of Campbell’s Hearty Chicken Noodle Soup (not the original red can stuff) open up, and put in large simmer pot about an hour or so before anyone is to walk through the door. When they come in they will think you made homemade Chicken Soup. Works, every time!!!!!
Peapod delivers groceries.
Thank God for Lisa Nowak, nutty astronaut, for teaching us about space diapers, they come in handy for verdict watching also.
Keep a tin of Altiods on the computer desk.
For Unhappy Spouses:
Would you prefer I go out and play in traffic?
I could be surfing for porn!
At leas you know I'm not having an affair!
I could be shopping!
Did you notice I ironed your tie?
Tell you what, you clean your room, I'll clean mine!
I just bought you 30 new pairs of underwear.
Turn your socks inside-out tomorrow.
Addendum: How to handle Family Complaints: Tips that work for kathlb!
"There's nothing wrong with cold pizza, it builds jaw muscles."
"Quit complaining, you have it easy, in my day I had to mow the whole south 40 with a push mower after school. Now warm up some canned soup and count your blessings."
"I didn't forget to pay the light bill, I'm teaching the kids to value today's perks. Besides candlelight becomes me."
"If God had wanted me to clean all the time, he would have installed a Dust Buster in my butt."
"I turned down that dating site's invitation, the free membership to the online shopper's club and gave up my seat at the online gambling poker table. What more do you want of me?"
I would have done the laundry, but I turned my ankle while picking up your dirty socks and underwear off the floor and haven't been able to move from this computer chair all day due to the pain."
Brought to you with a wink by, bchand, SKelly63, ritanita, Xspectorant and donchais!